35.5 Weeks Into This Journey

 Crazy pregnant lady update:

I've been relying on morning prayer more to get me through the day. It's working.

Baby is sitting so low that the burning and heavy feeling is sometimes overwhelming.  It has been causing the signature "pregnant waddle" that some ladies get but I never had understood until now.

Not really any new symptoms to report, which is a good thing, right?

Heartburn is ever-present, which can be good because when I'm busier I don't even notice it. All I'm saying is that this Bebe better have a head chock-full of hair.

It's impossible to get a good night's rest these days.

...........

Case in point. I fell asleep writing all of that at around 12:30 last night. At 4-ish Ezra woke up because his hand had fallen asleep from laying on it in a weird way. After taking care of him and getting him tucked back in bed, I fell back asleep only to wake up again an hour and half later because of contractions. Yes, contractions.  I'm only 35 1/2 weeks along so I wasn't expecting real pain. But oh boy, was it horrible pain.  I didn't feel the need to call a doctor because the pain from the contractions was only in my lower abdomen and thighs, not in my back like I have experienced with the others. They were frequent enough that the second I fell back asleep another one started up again. Blah! Quite annoyed, I decided to throw in the towel (literally) and take a shower. Might as well get on with my day, right? Luckily, I feel out of the woods at this moment with the prospect of preterm labor.  The contractions finally have subsided and the baby is back to moving like crazy inside me, a feeling I know I will miss forever after she's born.

The main purpose for writing all of this is so that one day when I have that feeling of excitement over having another child, I will have a reality check waiting for me, tsk-tsking my hasty enthusiasm. I can not let myself forget how hard this was on my body, emotions and family this time around! But if another baby is in our future (highly unlikely as it may be,) that would just mean that the priority of kids wins over prolonged pain and discomfort on an aging body.

Mother Doesn't Know Best

...but I'm learning.

(WARNING! This is a part all about my pregnancy hormones, uh... I mean... Feelings.)

Lately I've been irritable, impatient, controlling, scatterbrained, lazy, and yet still find time to sneak in some apathy. Who is this woman?! I can't seem to find the will to clean or discipline all the time, let alone be a "fun mom". I try still and though I'm not excelling at any of those things, I haven't altogether fallen off the horse. HOWEVER, I will say that I'm pretty sure this new-ish state of mind is due to the fact that I've been stressed out more than usual. From the 26th of June up until now I've have things to prepare that usually I don't stick  my nose into. On the list of offenders are:

Hosting a work party at our house for all of the employees and their families.

Hosting (expectedly) Juan's entire extended family Fourth of July family bbq. Margo's  accident denied the actuality of that taking place at our house.

A very large wedding flower order in June. Luckily it was only one though.

The addition of five new piano students. I didn't even want one more lesson on my schedule, but I'm starting to get used to use it.

The looming Reflections competition at Siena's school that I'm in charge of. It's just a couple of weeks after I have my baby and I'm kinda freaking out!

A host of house projects that still need to be finished.

A stressful calling at church to attend to. (Primary is one of my fave callings but only when you have enough support. Most of the teachers ditch us without notice and we have an abnormally large population of kids with mental /emotional /social issues. It's rough every Sunday.)

Preparing Siena to be baptized. She's on the brink of becoming accountable and I'm feeling the stress of that culpability.

...and of course, having a BABY! 

I don't  know how to keep my sanity,the kids safe AND a clean house. It's an impossible task. Aaaaahhhh!

More Summer Fun

Ez is a fan of Grandma's dress up box 

The girls are fans of Uncle Harpers rudimentary fort kit.

We took a drive along Squaw Peak Road down to Hobble Creek last Saturday. It was only made possible because we had a truck. Beautiful drive, even if it did take 3 hours.

Harper gets us out on the lake more often than we normally would go... Which is a really good thing.

I can't even stand being out there on the choppy water seven months pregnant. I'm out for the rest of the year.

This guy loves it though.

Remember The Year of the Yard? We're almost done with our started projects. Yay! We've just got the fence to finish.

Cousins! I love that we can all hang with Grandma Camp.

I'm failing at the Mom Thing still. But every once in a while I'll catch a break... Like when the kids stop fighting and start giggling because they realize how ridiculous the punishment is. I'll take it!

This summer has been slow going for Solstice, which I'm actually very happy with. I can barely keep my act together with normal, day -to -day stuff, so I'm glad I'm not overwhelmed with weddings on top of that.

I have had a bunch of good floral practice opportunities though between one wedding, bridal picture florals, and a funeral.

On the 3rd of July, we went to see The Candy Bomber fly over the Scera Park. It was one of those experiences that you don't realize how awesome it is going to be until you're actually there. Juan and I both didn't really have words to describe how grateful we were to be able to share that experience and history lesson with our kids.

I promised the girls they could have a limeade stand sometime this summer. The perfect day arrived and they got to work juicing and making signs. 

After about an hour and a half the cousins had made $8. Not too bad considering we live on a quiet -ish street. A generous donation of a fiver from one guy probably helped a lot.

At 30 weeks. I was just starting to really feel the pain of pregnancy again. No more kids for us because I just can't handle all of my own complaining.

Every once in a while we'll be spontaneous and go to a splash pad. The summer has been good for us all.

Another Lesson in Empathy

I lead a comfortable life. Not in just the temporal aspects of having a nice home, plenty of food, and abounding opportunities, but also in the sense that I've never experienced having a disorder, major physical limitations, or complications in pregnancy, to name a few.  When it comes to the people in my life I have a lot of family and friends who I know I can count on. All this and much more contributes to my comfortable life.

In one aspect I feel abnormally blessed: none of my close loved ones have died. I know death is a part of life and that we find solace in the Gospel of Jesus Christ but I also know that loss is accompanied with grief and pain. I've never experienced that kind of suffering. 

My life has been... comfortable.

Along with the comfort of never feeling that heartache, I've never been able to really empathize with people who have experienced that for themselves. I never know what to say or how to show them my grief for their pain because I simply can't relate. Empathy is something I ALWAYS and NEVER wish to have.

Although my comfortable life continues on, there has recently been a space carved out of my heart for empathy in the loss of a pet.

Our Margo died suddenly and very unexpectedly around midnight on July 3rd. We had just taken her to get spayed the Monday before and she had been recovering quite well from what we could tell. She was back to her playful self in just two days but we kept her activity level to a minimum because they told us to wait until Day 7 to let her run around again. For reasons I'm still not ready to learn yet, her sutures opened up again on Day 6. We were not home when it happened and since we had already fed and watered her that day and it was late when we got home, we didn't check on her before going to bed. The next morning was the Fourth of July and we all woke up really early to go to a memorial service our neighbors hold in their yard for veterans. Immediately afterwards we left for the Grand Parade. When we got home around 10:45, Siena went outside to feed her dog. She came back quickly to report that Margo was covered in flies and wasn't moving. Juan knew what that meant and whisked Siena away to inside the house. He then broke the news to me.

What emotions I felt afterward were strong and confusing; it was a type of sadness and guilt I had never felt before. Sadness because I knew Margo had suffered without any consolation from her owners. We hadn't been there to help her when she needed us. Sadness from knowing that we wouldn't get to teach her more, play with her more, take her on "night walks" as the girls called them, or see her grow old. Sadness that my brother's dog, Stryker, wouldn't get to play with his best dog friend again. My heart was overflowing with guilt because just the night before I mentioned to Juan for the umpteenth time how I wish we could spend more time with Margo but that the days seemed to be jam-packed with other to-do's. She was always fed and watered and regularly walked and played with but I felt Mommy Guilt all the time from not giving her constant companionship. I joked to everybody about her being my neglected fourth child. I also blamed myself for not checking her incision more closely because I may have seen a clue that things weren't normal. I blamed myself for making the appointment to get her spayed in the first place. I felt horrible guilt over all the times she would frustrate me and I'd call her a "dumb dog" under my breath. It was torture. We were responsible for her well being and under our care she died a cruel death. I suddenly couldn't fathom caring for the new child that was coming our family. It was too much.

I sobbed, I prayed, I punched things, I felt drained. And this was just about a dog.

Juan was visibly affected too, especially since he had to take care of the disposal of her body. His dad came to help and that was the only thing that got him through it. I can't even imagine what he went through emotionally. The rest of the day we decided to fill with distractions. It was really, really hard to go to the family  bbq but we made it and ended up smiling and laughing with family. The whole day we stayed away from the house.

The next day was Fast Sunday and we all fasted for peace and comfort. It has helped significantly with the guilt I feel. Since then we've kept in the groove and made ourselves go outside to weed and water next to her empty kennel. I always catch myself looking out the window to check on her, but the reminder hurts.

Today we are spending more time in the backyard having fun with giant bubbles. It's definitely helping. We're learning that distraction until the initial edge of pain wears off is the best way for us to cope. I don't know what the future holds or when we will be faced with sorrow like this again or worse, but I hope that I'm strengthened through this experience to be able to cope with the next.

Camps Camp

This weekend we...

Mayday, Mayday!

Have you ever felt like you were hovering over your own body and from a Birdseye view of whatever difficult situation you find yourself in, can see through non-biased lenses?

I know it's self-righteous to admit this, but I do feel like that sometimes. It's like an Omniscient Complex.  And though half of me is feeling one thing--like anger--another half of me is feeling completely ridiculous because I know whatever happened really isn't worth getting in a tizzy over. The situations are nearly limitless: interactions with people who don't share the same idea of what is tactful or not, saying something super unhelpful to my kids, gossiping, etc.

This happens when I'm upset about something breaking too.  For example, today was a day full of shattered glass... literally. Living room centerpiece vase, a second/substitute vase, and picture frame glass, each breaking within a 20-minute time frame... all very minor things in the grand scheme of things; but for some reason my first reaction was to stomp my feet really hard like a 4 year-old. Juxtaposed was this superior feeling that I should shake it off and use calm words with the sweet, however clumsy, little humans I gave birth to.  I think I ended going with a mixture of the two--saying things that would normally put them at ease, but with a totally frazzled attitude behind the words. Not totally effective, but not the worst I could have done.

This week (and probably earlier) has been full of those little moments.  One of my neighbors gives me "lessons" about flowers and horticulture nearly every time I talk with her and I just want to scream, "I know! I have a Bachelor's Degree in this stuff. You don't have to prove how smart you are!" However, I have not yielded to that temptation because the hovering Stacia, just like a shoulder angel, is just shaking her head with a smile at the woman saying, "bless her heart."  (Oh great, now it really DOES sound like I think I'm better than her. Oh well, just being real here.)

And yesterday was a whammie. I received a fairly bold text from one of Siena's friends' moms saying that I needed to have a serious talk with Siena about bullying her helpless daughter.  This was a first for me. I didn't even see it coming and I feel like I have a decent understanding of what goes on because I regularly talk to Siena about her day. They are good friends and play with each other nearly every day and like all kids, they have their disagreements and they're learning about what builds up or puts a strain on relationships.  Siena has mentioned times when they didn't see eye to eye or just wanted space from one another, but always the next day everything is water under the bridge because they are not old enough to care about holding on to grudges.  I felt like a horrible mom... then I felt embarrassed and sad that my daughter was hurting people's feelings... then I quickly turned into Mama Bear and defended my little cub because it just didn't seem like something she would do purposefully and the other girl tends to exaggerate. Juan and I sat down with Siena and after a long discussion I felt even more upset with that mom accusing our daughter so brashly without a speck of another side of the story to guide her reaction.  From everything that Siena had told us in a very remorseful tone (because she knew that she could have acted better that day with her friends,) she had very little to do with the other girl's bad day;  Though she wasn't completely innocent, she definitely didn't commit the horrors the other girl's mom had accused her of.  It was a good thing Juan was there because I was ready for a confrontation (I'm getting to be less and less scared of those, fortunately/unfortunately.). He was the one who prompted the shoulder Stacia to come out and mediate my hot temper.  I could not allow myself to freak out at the mom because I could already see the wildfire it would start.  I acted...hmmmm... mature.  With a response to her text that was both sympathetic as well as serious and purposeful, I would like to grant the win of that difficult situation to the Birdseye.  I think it's over now....

Anyway, the point of all this is that with this double-perspective, I think I may just be finally learning how to keep myself composed after all. Not that I will always listen to my should angel....

Year of Yard

I was ultra-excited to be a homeowner just for the fact that we would probably be able to invest more time, energy and $ into the yard. It never made a ton of sense to go all-out for landscaping in our previous rentals since we knew we were going to be there only a year or two.

Clearly, I had no idea what I was getting myself psyched up for. Yard makeovers are HARD! Especially when I am the one with the most "extra time" to spend out there working. Juan has helped whenever he can, which is rare since he's so busy, but it has been slow-going compared to what I thought it would be.

We started with the South side yard. I wish, I wish, I wish I would have taken a "Before" picture to explain the depth of difference. The previous owner(s) used it as a junk yard.  There were pallets, cinder blocks, tomato cages, bags of doggy doo, and decaying leaves galore heaped in a huge pile up against the fence. When I was clearing it out, I fully expected to uncover a body it was so gruesome.  And although I have grown up doing yard work since I was a wee babe, I still didn't understand how many steps there were, even just to get to a blank canvas. After the junk was hauled off to the dump or repurposed elsewhere, I tilled the ground as much as I could with my little tiller attachment to the weed whacker. Then the kids and I hauled out rocks (quite reminiscent of my own childhood) and I raked it as level as I had energy and patience for. I laid the landscaoing fabric down, cut it, and staked it. We laid a few pavers as a stepping stone-type walkway, then we applied bags and bags of mulch. Just to get it to that point cost us a little over $100 and about 10-15 hours of work. I planted a blackberry bush back there as per Juan's request, so we'll see if that survives. I'm happy it is at least not embarrassing anymore.

The picnic area has been even more of a project since we had to dig to find hidden sprinkler lines, remove about 4" of dirt throughout, "reverse" the reverse slope, artificially raise the window well height, level, lay landscaping fabric, apply mulch, haul in a picnic table, build two benches for a sitting area, paint the table, buy planter pots and plants to fill them and run drip-system sprinklers to those pots. It looks a million times better and once the benches are painted, we will take a long breather from that area. I'm getting burnt out!

Meanwhile, because I'm not distracted enough from being a good mom, I've been refinishing the hand-me-down piano that Brady and Lacee gave to us a little over a year ago. It was in the garage, much to the vexation of Juan, for about three or four weeks since the weather turned poor right before I was about to start. But I'm happy to report that after a good deglossing, masking job, emptying of four cans of spray paint, installation of new hardware, and finishing-off with a gold paint pen the project is complete. I just didn't have the initiative to finish it with polyurethane, like I know I should have. I hope my kids don't inherit my occasional half-heartedness.

But it's done, and that feels pretty okay to me.

Latest and Greatest!

Well, the Ez wet the bed (for the millionth time) again tonight, so I find myself wide awake and unable to fall back asleep at 5 in the morning. What to do, what to do....

Gonna blog.

I really should be grateful he wet the bed and woke me up to tell me about it because I haven't blogged all month long. I was on my way to falling behind on my goal for #StacCha25in2015... or whatever the hashtag was. So here goes:

We found out some exciting news on Monday at my 21-week ultrasound. We're having a GIRL!!! All systems are functioning properly and there was no scary news, so I am not worrying as frequently as I was prior.  Ez was in total denial until yesterday when he finally answered correctly the question of whether Mommy had a boy or a girl in her "fat tummy" (as he loves to point out.) Even at the ultrasound immediately when the tech announced the gender, Ez didn't even look up from the book he was reading to tell her point-blank, "No, it's a boy."  We are all so excited though for more sugar and spice and everything nice.

Ezra Turns 3!

There really is not more to say than what the following pictures already say. Ezra had a manly birthday. He and I took a field trip to Cabela's this morning while his sisters were at school. He loved every second of it! Then we went to lunch at Firehouse Subs, which made his day even cooler. Free kids meal, can I get a woot woot?! After we picked up Siena from school, we all got started on decorating Ez's cake, which is not the one actually pictured. It was covered in literal mountains of chocolate cake with frosting, gum drop pine trees, a little fabric tent and mountain animals from his toy box. The kids loved creating that cake almost as much as I did, though the perfectionist inside me screams for more trees and a river, (I am still learning to let things go.) We invited the family over for cake and ice cream and s'mores later in the evening. It was quite the day for the little guy, and judging by his snoring right now, he is in some type of sugar coma. I am awaiting the detox monster tomorrow....

FHE Tonight

Qiana gave the lesson about scriptures and keeping records. (That girl loves to prepare Family Home Evening lessons, by the way.)

Then, for our activity we painted self-portraits. This was a first for every single person, but it turned out to be quite an interesting and fun activity. We all appreciate artists and their talents so much more now.

Saturday is a Crazy Day

Saturday, in a nutshell:

Skiing at Shanelle's work party at Sundance.

Timpanogos Temple, so we could take some family names and accomplish another #staccha25in2015 goal. (Nearly fainted across the altar in the sealing room... again. Made a big scene, how embarrassing!)

Baby Shower for a sister in the ward.

Tio Jorge's 60th birthday fiesta to finish the night.

Phew! It was a tiring, but great day.

Flashback To That Time I Went To San Francisco

Clear back in January I had the amazing privilege of getting together with some dear friends from our Philly days in the beautiful city of San Francisco. Here are just some of our adventures:

Why yes, we did find a favorite brunch spot pretty quickly.  At Honey, Honey.

Clare, me, Sara, Danica, Jessica, Dani, and Lisa

We had... probably... just finished a meal and were... probably... planning out which places we needed to go to eat at next.  Sounds about right.

My morning sickness decided to make its debut the very weekend I left on this little trip. I was pretty miserable a good half of the time, but hey, if you gotta be miserable, at least be miserable in California. (Here I am at the Museè Mechanique... or spelled something like that.)

We walked... a lot. Like, we're talking miles and miles per day. It was great! Though the picture is blurry, my memory of this quaint alley we stumbled across is not. It was so picturesque with the city in the background, the surrounding lush foliage and quiet escape feel to the place. I could definitely live there!

We made it to Chinatown, but the visit wasn't too notable since we arrived pretty late. Here we are, taking a break on some dirty steps upon which I'm pretty sure someone had recently urinated....

The delicious brown butter smell that permeated the air in the block surrounding Tartine Bakery was almost enough to put me in an early grave it made me so nauseated. Brown butter! The smell I live for! Pregnancy oddities are just sometimes full of dark humor. Luckily, my craving to take part in all things Delicious won over my instinct to flee and I enjoyed the bread pudding and a quiche that my mouth is watering over at just the memory.

The contents of that Holy Grail of baked goodness.

Who can resist a good thrift store? Not us.

Who can resist a good fabric warehouse? Not us.

When in San Francisco, you visit The Painted Ladies, if only to sing the Full House theme song out in full vibrato. (No, I personally didn't do that; there were plenty of volunteers who knew the song much better than me.)

So, did I like the trip? No. I LOVED the trip. Will I ever miss a chance to hang out with these good friends? Not if I can help it. Speaking of which, we're already in the planning stages of the next trip: Savanna, Georgia March 2017!