Grinch List

1. The most obvious thing: frrrrreeeezzzzing cold weather
2. gaps in the outer door frames
3. sharing a single hot water heater with other tenants
4. glass Christmas ornaments and a curious toddler
5. walking on black ice as a pedestrian
6. thick-slushy supermarket parking lots and a cart full of heavy groceries
7. nagging at a bunch of cooped-up children to clean their own messes
8. eventually cleaning up most of the aforementioned messes
9. dishes from holiday baking
10. extra muffin-top due to holiday baking
11. no incentive to leave the house (no, not even "Gym" is getting his calls answered)
12. thinking because I rarely leave the house I'll have all the time in the world to get things done
13. Laundry Day after a snow day
14. mopping floors that will unavoidably get drenched soon by melting, muddy snow boots
15. wiring the Christmas tree with lights
16. tree sap getting everywhere
17. dry, cracked and bleeding fingers and knuckles
18. cold sores
19. falling behind on holiday traditions
20. only ordering half the amount of christmas cards you would like to send out
21. getting neighbors' packages delivered to your house by accident
22. burning your tongue at the first sip of what should have been the best mug of cocoa ever!
23. scraping car windows in the morning
24. losing a mitten

Cindy Lou Who List

Wow!  This one is going to be a bit harder to compose, seeing as I have to positively contradict the previous grievances.  Here goes:

1. Cold enough to turn rain to snow, which provides the powder on which my husband happily skis every winter
2. don't have to even see the heating bill, let alone pay it
3. bathing the kids in the evenings when I know the hot water is still abundant, therefore freeing up more time in our morning routine
4. teaching opportunities for Ezra to learn about the word FRAGILE around ornaments and the creche
5. providing loads of entertainment to onlookers as I fall on the ice over and over again
6. building M-U-S-C-L-E-S from pushing grocery carts through slushy parking lots
7. watching the kids' imaginations at work, despite being cooped-up
8. a cleaner house because I get cabin fever and need to tidy everything
9. a cozy scent wafting through the house while baking
10. extra insulation due to homemade treats
11. spending less money by staying indoors
12. sometimes getting more done at home that I would have otherwise because I was "snowed-in"
13. little reminders of the fun we had while playing in the snow like a damp glove
14. the house smelling clean from the mopping up of snowy messes
15. Christmas tree lights looking good against the dark, no matter how horrible of a job it was
16. passing on the trick of using butter to get rid of pine sap to my kids
17. reminders to drink more water and use lotion every time I look at my hands
18. plumper kissers, even though the cold sores sometimes look nasty if they get out of hand
19. creating new holiday memories
20. saving on postage by sending out a digital copy of Christmas cards via social media
21. the thrill of getting packages in the mail, no matter who they are for
22. imposed self-control every time you burn your tongue on hot cocoa
23. feeling grateful for a "defrost" button in the car.
24. turning stray mittens into a craft project.

That Did NOT Go Well...

I don't often write because I'm mad and need to blow off some steam, but right now I need an outlet and the blog seems to beckon a post on The Reality of Bad Mommy Moments.

I just got in a FIGHT--no, there is no other word for it--with Qiana.  I am sobbing and blinking away tears as I stare at the screen and question how I will ever come back from that Bad Mommy Moment.  My sweet and spunky little 4 year-old seems to know exactly which words or actions to use to catch me off-guard when she is feeling defiant.  It doesn't happen all the time, but when she is in the right mood, she calls names, laughs when I scold, hits and kicks me and I find myself getting more and more upset that she doesn't respect me.  Once this happens, it all seems to be routine:

I let my emotions take over and I raise my voice. Anger Level: MAD.  She gets angry and screams.  I get more upset and raise my voice even more, threatening a punishment.  Anger Level: ANGRY. She throws a punch and calls me a mean name. Anger Level: FUMING. I start yelling and carrying through with the threat of punishment.  She loses privilege over privilege. She screams mean thing over mean thing while kicking at me.  Anger Level: FURIOUS. I administer Sassy Sauce (1 tsp. white vinegar) for her bad words.  She won't stop.  I spank her.  I hold her flailing arms down as I carry her to her room.  I set her on her bed and close the door.  Anger Level: OUTRAGED. I hold the door so she won't leave (which she attempts to do every time.)

Then I just stand there, confused at what I have just done.  I feel the anger simmer and the shame and sadness from my actions seep in.  I feel my body losing all energy as the adrenaline subsides and the reality of my uncontrolled emotions overtakes my conscience.  Although I know that it is not child abuse to give consequences to their actions, I think that children need to be shown how to behave properly by the good examples of their parents.  In this, I fail.  Over and Over again.

I find myself walking up the stairs to her room, holding on to the shame and sadness.  I sit down next to her and apologize for the way I behaved and explain that she needs to be a good example to her little brother, just like I need to be a better example to her.  After going over the consequences that she now has for her actions, I tell her that I too, need to have consequences.  We decide to be better and it's all wrapped up with a hug and kisses on the cheek.

But my point is this: that whole ordeal was not necessary.  It was 100% avoidable.  How do I avoid it?  What should I have done instead?  I'm still not completely sure what an appropriate reaction, tailored to Qiana, would be.  I need to keep reading up on that.  The following is an article I found helpful while in the midst of trying to calm down today (of course, I felt a TON of guilt as I read it, but for me, guilt leads to changed behavior.)

Angry Child Outbursts: The 10 Rules of Dealing with an Angry Child by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor

Mikayla, age 13, has just been told she can’t go to her friend’s house. “You need to clean your room first,” says her mom, “You promised to do that, remember?”

Mikayla gets in her mother’s face and screams, “You’re the meanest mom in the world! I hate you!” She turns and runs into her bedroom, slamming the door.

“That’s it! You’re grounded, young lady,” her mom shouts back. She’s left feeling exhausted and defeated, and unsure if she’s done the right thing.

Don’t challenge your child when he’s angry—that’s just like throwing a match onto a pile of firecrackers.

If you’re a parent, odds are you’ve been there. Why do we often engage in shouting matches with our kids—or freeze up, not knowing what to do—when an angry outburst occurs? Read on to learn the 10 rules of dealing with an angry child.

1. Don’t yell or challenge your child when he’s angry.

Many times parents deal with angry outbursts by challenging their kids and yelling back. But this will just increase your feeling of being out of control. The best thing you can do is remain calm in a crisis. Think of it this way: Even if you get into a car accident and the other driver jumps out and is furious at you, if you can remain calm, they will probably start to relax and be reasonable. But if you come back at them with an aggressive response, and say, “What are you talking about, that was your fault,” the tension just stays at that heightened place. So don’t challenge your child when he’s angry—that’s just like throwing a match onto a pile of firecrackers. Just wait until he calms down.

Related: Is your child or teen’s anger out-of-control?

2. Don’t try to reason with your child when he’s in the middle of a tantrum, tirade or angry outburst.

Many parents I talk to fall back on logic when their kids are angry. After all, as adults, we reason through things to defuse tense situations. This is always a challenge with kids because they don’t have the same capacity to stop and reason like we do. So when you’re dealing with your angry child, you have to leave that verbal place where you feel pretty comfortable and use different techniques. Saying, “Why are you mad at me? You were the one who forgot your homework at school,” will only make your child angrier. Instead, wait until he calms down and then talk it through later.

3. Pay attention to your physical reactions.

It’s important to watch your physical reactions because your senses will tell you “Yikes, I’m in the presence of somebody who is very upset.” You’ll feel your heart start beating faster because your adrenaline will be heightened. Even though it’s difficult, the trick is to act against that in some way and try to stay calm. Remember, you’re lending your children your strength in these moments; you’re showing them how to handle anger.  By staying calm, you’re not challenging your child by yelling back and engaging in a power struggle; this only escalates the tension. And paying attention to your own reactions will also help your child pay attention to himself because he won’t need to worry about you or your emotions. When you don’t respond calmly, your child will work even harder at his tantrum to try to get you to pay attention.  So you really have to tap into some solid parenting skills to handle the outburst quickly and effectively.

4. Don’t get physical with your child.

Sometimes on the Parental Support Line we hear from parents who have lost it and gotten physical with their kids. I took a call from a dad whose teenage son mouthed off to his mom, and the father shoved him. The fight escalated. The son would not speak to his father because he felt his dad should apologize to him; the father, on the other hand, felt that his son caused the problem and worried that his authority would diminish if he apologized. I advised him to say, “I lost control and it was wrong for me to shove you. I apologize.” That’s it; end of story. You don’t go into your child’s role in that situation at all because it is an attempt to place the blame on someone else for your actions. Rather, you want to teach your child how to take responsibility and make a genuine apology. Don’t worry—you will have other opportunities to work with your child around being mouthy or defiant. But it’s important to be a good role model and address your role in the fight going south. Remember, if you get physical with your child, among other things, you’re just teaching him to solve his problems with aggression.

Related: Fighting with your child all the time?

5. Take a different approach with younger kids.

If your small child (eighteen months to age four) is in the midst of a temper tantrum, you want to move ever so slightly away from him, but don’t isolate him completely. When small kids are upset, you want to help them to start to learn that they can have a role in calming themselves down. You can say, “I wish I could help you calm yourself down. Maybe you can lie on the couch for a little bit.” So have them calm down until they feel in control. By doing that you’re asking them to pay attention to themselves. So instead of, “You have to sit there for ten minutes by yourself,” it’s more of, “When you feel better and you’re not upset anymore, you can come on out and join us.” You can also give them a choice. You can say, “Do you need time to go into your room and get it together?” Again, don’t challenge them when they’re in that mode.

6. Don’t freeze up.

Some parents freeze up when their kids throw tantrums or start screaming at them. The parent is emotionally overwhelmed and becomes paralyzed with indecision or gives in to the child. If you’re this type of person, you may find that sometimes your child will get angry on purpose to engage you; they’ll bait you by throwing a fit or saying something rude, because they know that this will cause you to give in. So your job is to not take the bait—don’t get angry, and don’t give in.

I think parents sometimes have a tendency to renegotiate with their child in these situations. Often, they’re having a hard time managing their own emotions and so they don’t know how to coach their child properly in that moment. But remember, if you give in and renegotiate, even every once in a while, you’re teaching your child that it’s worth it to act out.  Instead, let them calm down and try to coach them to use their problem-solving skills later. In my opinion, once you start doing that, you’re not passive. You are making a conscious choice to not get into an argument. You’re saying, “I’m not going to renegotiate; I’m going to be calm.” Although it may not seem like it on the surface, all of those choices are actions—you are making a choice not to give in.

Related: Don’t negotiate—learn how to communicate so your child will listen.

7. Give consequences for the bad behavior, not for the anger.

When your child throws a tantrum, starts screaming and really loses it, make sure you give him consequences based on his behavior and not on his emotions. For example, if your child calls you a foul name during his angry outburst, give him a consequence later for that infraction of the rules. But if all he does is stomp into his room and yell about how life isn’t fair, I would let that go. Kids get angry just like we do; they need to feel that they have a safe place to let off steam. As long as they’re not breaking any rules, I think you should allow them to have that time to be angry.

Related: Consequences not working?

8. Don’t give overly harsh punishments.

Giving harsh punishments in the heat of the moment is a losing proposition. Here’s why: Let’s say your child is angry. He’s having a tantrum and shouting and screaming at you. You keep saying, “If you don’t get it together, I’m going to take away your Wii for a week. Okay now it’s two weeks. Now it’s a month…do you want to keep going?” But to your dismay, your child keeps escalating; the more you try to punish him in order to force him to stop and get control of himself, the worse he gets.

We have a name for that kind of discipline: It’s called “consequence stacking.” What’s really happening here is that the parent is losing emotional control. I understand that it is hard to tolerate it when your kid is upset—we don’t like it. But what you want to try to ask yourself is, “What do I want my child to learn?” And the answer might be, “I want him to learn how to not throw a fit every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to do. I want him to learn that when he gets upset, there’s an appropriate way to get out of it.” The worst thing you can do is join him and get upset yourself. Harsh punishments that seem never-ending to your child are not effective, and will only make him angrier in that moment.

9. Take a break.

On the Support Line, I’ll often ask parents who call about their child’s angry outbursts the following question: “When you and your spouse are mad at each other, what do you do to calm down?” Often, people will say they take a break and do something on their own for a little while until they can calm down and talk it through. This technique also works with your child, but parents often don’t think of it because they feel they should have control over their kids. But remember, when somebody is angry, you can’t reason with them and you can’t rush it. The bottom line is that if you stay there in that anger and keep engaging each other, it will not go away—it will just get bigger.  So take a break and come back and interact with each other later when everyone is calm.

10. Role model appropriate responses when you’re angry.

I also tell parents they should try to role model dealing with their own anger appropriately in front of their children. What are some good ways to do that? Say, “I’m getting frustrated—I’m going to take a break.” or “I can’t talk to you right now; I’m really upset so I’m going to wait until I’m calm. I’m going to come back and we’ll talk later.”

Admitting that you’re angry and you need some time to calm down is not a weakness; it takes a lot of strength to say these words out loud. Remember, you’re teaching the lesson of how to manage your anger, and that’s exactly what you want your child to learn.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/the-10-rules-of-dealing-with-an-angry-child.php#ixzz2n0DVcBfs