Simplify

Simplify.  It's been on my mind a lot lately, mostly because my life has been far from the simple I'm used to the last few months.

It's the everyday tasks, my ward calling in the primary and as a visiting teacher, having a BABY, Siena's 8th birthday and baptism, Anaïs's blessing, Ilse and Kamalei's wedding, being in charge of Reflections (boooooooo!,) Siena's weekly tennis lesson, and random Solstice orders. Now, that is not a particularly demanding schedule for anyone else I'm sure, but I'm just not picking up the pace like I thought I would (and knew I would have to.)  It's a good thing that I cancelled piano lessons for the 6 weeks after I had Ani, but I am actually considering canceling them altogether because I need a break.  Is it even possible (or unselfish) for a mom to get a break at this point in her kids' lives?  I want to give them more opportunities, but I feel like it would be at the cost of my patience and possibly my sanity.  I am still trying to pick up the pieces of happiness in the home that I shattered around the time of the Reflections contest and the wedding and the only hope I cling to is from the address this past conference that "It's never too early and it's never too late."  I'm desperate to reestablish the calm mother that my children once knew.  Is it possible to erase from their memories all the times I just lost it and started sobbing on my kitchen floor?  If they remember how horribly I managed things these last few months, I don't think I will forgive myself.  Mother is a title I lost and instead became Freak Show.  Now that things are winding down, I am actually grateful for the opportunity to learn that I don't have to do everything that is presented to me.  I can say NO and be okay with missing out on a few things.  I had to learn it the hard way, but honestly, I don't think I would have been able to understand it to same extent if I hadn't gone through it.

I will not be able to go forward with Solstice any time soon, perhaps never because it might be too late to pick up after the kids are all older.  I can't be a PTA Mom.  I want to be able to put the girls in soccer/gymnastics/ballet/what have you, but I also want them to have a childhood where they use their imaginations.  There's just no time in the day.

At any rate, I am cutting back and going to soak up every second of their lives.  I just can't afford not to.